While cleaning out my room I found a paper that my therapist gave me some time ago to deal with obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Sorry the paper is a little crinkled and stained, but I figured I’d post it in hopes that it will help someone like it helped me.
Here it is again with text for anyone who can’t see the picture
That thought isn’t helpful right now.
Now is not the time to think about it. I can think about it later.
This is irrational. I’m going to let it go.
I won’t argue with an irrational thought.
This is not an emergency. I can slow down and think clearly about what I need.
This feels threatening and urgent, but it really isn’t.
I don’t have to be perfect to be OK.
I don’t have to figure out this question. The best thing to do is just drop it.
It’s OK to make mistakes.
I already know from my past experiences that these fears are irrational.
I have to take risks in order to be free. I’m willing to take this risk.
It’s OK that I just had that thought/image, and it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t have to pay attention to it.
I’m ready to move on now.
I can handle being wrong.
I don’t have to suffer like this. I deserve to feel comfortable.
That’s not my responsibility.
That’s not my problem.
I’ve done the best I can.
It’s good practice to let go of this worry. I want to practice.
When you guys have visited potential apartments, what kind of questions did you ask besides the basics like what rent and utilities include?
Here are questions I didn’t ask but should have: what does the basement look like?
What measures are taken to secure the building ?
Are the walls thin? Brief info of who lives in the building. Are they college kids? People that work through the day? Elderly? Is it a mix? Where does the garbage go?
Can I pay rent bi-weekly? What kind of fuses does the apartment use? (My fuse box is in the basement. If I blow a fuse I have to replace it myself. They screw until the box. All of which I didn’t know until it happend and I was sitting in the dark suddenly)
Who do I call for repairs? (If it’s a private rental) Am I allowed to paint the walls? Is there any additional storage? Do you do regular pest control?
LAUNDRY FACILITIES Definitely ask about security Whether subletting is allowed (esp if you’re in college and might want to sublet for the summer) If you have a car, whether there’s parking/how much it costs What kind of heating/AC there is Procedure/response time for any maintenance How mail/packages are received/protected from theft (seriously people stealing your packages can be a huge problem) What kind of verification of your salary will they want, and in what circumstances will they accept a guarantor instead? Whether the apartment is furnished
Assuming you are in the middle of looking at/choosing between places: When does the lease start? Are you going to give preference to people based on when they can move in? Whether groups of a certain number of people get preference Really anything about who they prioritize for applications, it can save you a lot of trouble in trying to apply to places you’ll never get into
My partner’s anxiety manifests primarily as anger, so these conversations are mostly them screaming that they hate the world and everyone in it because [insert irrational fear here] is definitely going to come true. It’s exhausting to deal with, not least because I’m the only person they trust enough to reassure them. They are in therapy, but their executive function is bad enough that they aren’t really putting in effort. You seem like someone who might have advice here. Much appreciated.
Yikes. I’m so sorry. This is really hard. One of the things that often makes having a partner with severe anxiety so hard is that often, telling them ‘you’re hurting me, and I need it to stop’ makes them more anxious, and you feel like you’re betraying them. You aren’t.
Here is something I think you should imagine doing. I’m not saying you should do it, I just think you should seriously run through, in your head, what it would be like to do it, and what you feel would probably happen.
Imagine if you sat down with your partner at some point where they aren’t having an anxiety attack and told them “I need your help with something, can we talk about it? I’m having a really hard time right now. You spend a lot of time screaming, and it makes me exhausted and miserable, and it happens every day. I need something to change.”
If you are imagining your partner responding “oh, of course that stresses you out and makes you miserable. I’ve actually been anxious that I’m hurting you when I have these spirals so often, so it’s good to hear from you about what’s going on. I don’t know what to do. Do you have ideas?”/ “I want to talk about this more, but my anxiety just spiked. I’m going to go for a walk and then come back when I’m ready and I’m glad you brought this up I just need a bit of time” / “I’m freaking out right now. I want to talk about this, but I don’t think I can do it. Can we plan to communicate about this over text? That’ll be easier for me.” / “can you come with me to my therapist so we can talk then? I think that’ll be the best way for me to communicate clearly without freaking out.”
Then I think that you and your partner probably have a pretty good chance of getting through this. Because even though your partner has anxiety, they are capable of understanding when a conversation needs to be about your needs, and either setting things aside to help you or coming up with a plan for when they will be in a position to do that. And then, when you two have set up a plan, you can propose ideas like “I could write up a list of things I’ve said, and you could read through it when you’re having a crisis and indicate the ones that are relevant, and if you need reassurance about something that isn’t on the list, you could ask me about that.” or “I can’t handle screaming; let’s only communicate through text while you’re too anxious to avoid screaming” or “let’s figure out how to make therapy/medication work” or whatever else meets your needs.
(These are going to feel really demanding! You’re going to be going ‘that’s not fair, I’m a bad partner, why am I asking that?’ But these are reasonable requests, and a reasonable person with anxiety will work with you to meet your needs.)
There are some other ways I can imagine your partner reacting. For example, they might start screaming at you. They might start screaming that you hate them and if you loved them you wouldn’t do this and no one will ever love them and it’d be better if they were dead. They might say “I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry” but refuse to have a conversation about what needs to change, or refuse to respect the boundaries agreed on in that conversation.
If your partner starts screaming when you tell them what you need, or if you try to tell your partner what you need and the conversation ends with you apologizing and calming them and promising not to bring it up again, or if you and your partner agree on something and then they will not do it –
– then I’m sorry, because this will really hurt and really be hard, but you need to get out right away, preferably tomorrow, preferably ‘call a friend and have them come pack up your stuff with you’.
You don’t absolutely have to break up. You can, if it’s easier, tell your partner “there isn’t a way for me to get my needs met here; I’m not going to be in touch for one month while I try to think of other ways to get my needs met.” and you can block absolutely all forms of contact between you and you can sincerely hope that during that month you think of something awesome that saves your relationship. But you cannot continue to exist in a miserable environment with someone who screams at you regularly and who cannot let you have a conversation about how much this harms you. Being in that environment is going to make you worse at noticing what you need, worse at noticing what makes you happy, and worse at treating yourself like a valuable person.
If there’s something that saves the relationship at that point, you will not think of it while living with someone who screams at you. You will think of it when you are living away from them in a safe place where “what makes me happy? what do I want?” is a safe question.
Honestly, there might not be something that saves the relationship. Often, what happens is that the person in your position leaves and is like “holy shit I am so much safer and happier and I feel alive and I wish I’d left a year ago” and if that happens, then, well, don’t ever go back. But I do sincerely believe that if there is anything that saves the relationship, you will find it when you are not dealing with the awful thing you’re dealing with now. So even if saving the relationship is your highest priority, you ought to leave.
(I also want to say that it’s possible you are being abused. It is not necessarily true, but regularly screaming at your partner and making it unsafe for them to express their needs is a sign of an abusive relationship, and a reason to ask yourself if there are other signs. Even if this relationship is not at all abusive, that is NOT a reason to stay. It is unhealthy. It is not working. It is bad for you, and it is not less bad for you if it’s not technically abusive. If your partner has ever hurt you or given you a reason to feel scared around them, then you should not tell them you are leaving until you are away and safe.)
If you legitimately don’t know which of these ways your partner will react to a sincere conversation about your needs, then I think you should go ahead and have the conversation. But often, when someone says ‘imagine how that conversation will go’…. you already know. Maybe you’ve already tried this. Maybe it’s just that you know how it goes when you ask for much smaller things.
And if you already know that this conversation will not ever result in your partner putting serious effort into working through their pain to help you get what you need, then I think you should have your plan to leave before you talk with them. Ideally, I think you should have a friend on board who can help you when you feel guilty, when you feel doubt, when you feel scared. It is so, so hard to leave a bad, unhealthy situation. But it won’t get easier, and it won’t get better. You’re miserable. You’re drowning.
Get yourself to dry land. And then reassess, if you want to, but make life-changing decisions somewhere where you can fucking breathe. Please.
pervasive doubt 