Aries: The stars say the McRib will soon be back. The McRib wants revenge.
Taurus: All Tauruses are about 20% better at punching through brick walls than the other signs.
Gemini: Your collection of novelty stamped pennies is almost complete. The door to the Other Side will open as soon as you visit sea world in san diego.
Cancer: Laugh with the universe as you find your enemies impales on a wrought iron fence.
Leo: For safety reasons, all Leo’s will be required to announce their arrival in new rooms with a bugle. Bugles will be provided and can be located in the nearest ditch.
Virgo: Relax your shoulders. More.
Libra: Carpet armor is only effective against foot based attacks. You made a good choice, libra.
Scorpio: The stars say happiness will find you and hit you with a wrench until you tell them where the safe house is.
Ophiuchus: There are obstacles in your future. Literal hurdles. Hope you practiced your high jump.
Sagittarius: I could not receive todays fortune because the stars were making fart noises with their mouth and giggling.
Capricorn: A predator of sentient echoes lurks in the streets. Shut your ears.
Aquarius: Given other choices, your first car could have been an engine of war.
Pisces: Anything can become enchanted. Anything.
Normal Horoscope:
Published
pervasive doubt 